


Disney said Straight Rights!

by JayBird_13



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Heterosexuality, I am so very sorry, M/M, Multi, Straight Culture, all the hets, do not read this i beg of you, someone please stop me ao3 has given me too much power, straights are so oppressed so i decided to give them some rep, whatever you think you're about to read you're probably wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 12:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18969304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayBird_13/pseuds/JayBird_13
Summary: i am sorryi think i was possessed by joshua rush and his spirit made me write thisit just happened i have no other explanation





	Disney said Straight Rights!

**Author's Note:**

> this is a work of satire, it is sarcastic, do not take it seriously, don't do vegetables, eat your school, stay in drugs, wear your seatbelt

Cyrus looked bashfully up at Tj through hooded eyes. Tj grinned down at the smaller boy and leaned in closer. Cyrus’ mind was reeling. It was finally happening. He was finally going to kiss Tj. 

Suddenly Tj jolted upright.

“Cyrus!” he shouted.

Cyrus’ eyes widened. “We forgot!”

The two boys stood up in unison and raced in opposite directions to track down their missing heterosexuality.

\---

Tj ran as fast as he possibly could. He had fucked up. How could he have forgotten? He was straight! 

He spotted Buffy and Marty flirting in the park and sighed with relief. This, he could deal with.

“Yo Slayer!” 

“Hey Tj! What’s up?”

Tj looked at her pointedly. “Buffy, you already know. We desperately need a love triangle. You and Marty have too perfect of a relationship, I need to lure you away from him with my bad boy vibes.”

Buffy’s mouth fell open. “Shit! Marty, stop being happy around me!”

Marty gave her a sharp nod of understanding and began glaring at Tj. “What’re you doing here, punk?”

“That’s none of your business, pipsqueak,” Tj spat back.

The three teens sighed in relief. Finally, all was as it should be.

\---

Cyrus was panting by the time he made it to Andi Shack. He burst through the door to find Amber and Andi behaving far too much like lesbians. The girls immediately moved apart and stopped sharing homosexual eye contact. They were just gal pals, after all.

“Andi, I’m in love with you!” Cyrus shouted.

Andi looked at Cyrus in shock. “I thought my feelings would never be returned. Oh, Cyrus, I love you too!”

The two het lovebirds ran towards each other in slow motion before meeting in a passionate kiss.

Amber smiled. Straight culture was so lovely.

\---

Jonah sat with Amber on the b[REDACTED]h. 

“What a lovely day to have a scene on a bench without a single drop of tyrus in sight.” Amber remarked. 

Jonah smiled happily. He was always happy now, because holding a guitar cured his panic attacks and his bisexual subtext. Now he was free to live a happy straight life in a toxic relationship. 

\---

Bex stood at the altar wearing very traditional non-edgy-bi-culture style makeup. Her large poofy frilly sparkly pink wedding dress billowed out around her. She was so happy.

Bowie stood next to her, unable to meet her eyes. He glanced around nervously to add to the suspense.

“And do you, Bowie Cishet Quinn, take this str8 girly girl to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Bowie looked into the camera like he was on the office. “Umm...”

Bex gasped. The priest gasped. Celia gasped. Joshua Rush gasped and started a twitter war. Thomas Jefferstraight Kippen gasped. Terri Minsky gasped.

“Miranda! I love you! Marry me! Now!”

Bex collapsed into a puddle of frail sobbing emotional depth as Miranda and Bowie embraced.

“Yes Bowie! I do!” Miranda squealed.

Miranda ripped away her simple dress to reveal a wedding gown even more extravagant and heterosexual than Bex’s.

They got married.

\---

Walker saw Libby. Libby saw walker. That’s all it took. They were in love.

\---

Iris was crying because she didn’t have a boyfriend. She needed a boyfriend. So she and Reed fell in love.

\---

Cyrus and Andi got married and had tons of kids. They named them nottyrus, notambi, notjyrus, notbexie, and notgay. Cyrus became a therapist and Andi became a tax collector. She enjoyed the repetitive non-creative paperwork.

Buffy and Marty got married, then they got divorced because Buffy was cheating on Marty with Tj, then Buffy and Tj got married, then they got divorced because Buffy was cheating on Tj with Marty, then the love triangle kinda started to lose value so both boys were killed off so Buffy could go through more pain. Cyrus smiled happily at Tj’s funeral.

Amber controlled Jonah. They had a highly healthy relationship consisting of Jonah doing whatever Amber wanted him to do. Finally, Jonah had had enough. So he talked to Amber. Then they got married to solve all their relationship problems. Amber became a housewife and Jonah became an accountant.

Bowie and Miranda visited Bex every sunday to gloat at her because they were happy and she was lonely. Bex always cried. She lived with Celia and Ham and spent her days crying. She never got over it.

Walker and Libby had a double wedding with Iris and Reed. It was gucci. Reed and Walker became professional sports players. They played sports. Libby and Iris baked them cookies and pies for after their sports games. 

Everyone was hella str8 and it was hella gr8.

**Author's Note:**

> i swear if anything in this comes true i'm gonna fight disney


End file.
